Legacy

 “But life is a chaotic, grueling, affirming, glorious journey, for me, for you, for all of us. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am working on it. Making progress and leaning in on all the things that I learned this year…about connections, friendships, what matters and why. Most importantly, I have learned this…legacy is not about the big moments, it’s about all the small ones that add up. Every action creates the tiniest of ripples in still water. The way you get up in the morning, treat others, make meaningless actions meaningful. The way you get knocked down, but keep going. The way you give yourself permission to be who you want to be. The way you chase your dreams with every little decision. It’s doing the absolute best with the time that you have. The ripples you create are innumerable and unknowable. Make sure they are good ones. That is legacy.”

-Erin Benzakein, Growing Floret, Season 2 Episode 4

Growing up, I used to journal all of the time to process my thoughts and experiences. For a time, I had a blog and would write whenever I felt inclined, but I have gotten away from that practice as life has gotten busier and more chaotic. In recent years, I have been drawn to gardening, because I love being outside and it is soothing to see the literal fruits of your labor. Unfortunately, this year, all of my gardening efforts have fallen short and every seed I have sown has not grown. This is due in part to my inability to commit the time and energy I want to gardening as well as the lack of rain to make up for the days that I just cannot get outside to water. With that being said, the show Growing Floret has been such a source of joy for me, because I can relate to the trials she faces in my own gardening experience, as well as appreciate how each part of her story relates to real life lessons that bring what I face into perspective. As I finished watching the second season, on the heels of my seventh year as an arts teacher, the words at the end of the last episode above resonated with my heart so deeply. Now, I am compelled to write about it, mostly to help me put into words what is stirring in my heart and mind, and make sense of what I have not been able to up until this point.

It would take me years and years, and pages and pages, to explain my personal life experiences over the past ten years. All of the events that I should probably go to therapy for to really come to terms with how it has effected me as a human being. Nevertheless, this recent school year has felt like the most challenging year I have ever faced. The start of the year came with a lot of change, as the people and structures that I had come to rely on had fallen away, yet I still had a lot of anticipation and excitement for what lay ahead. What I expected was for new systems to take form, that I could settle into, so I could continue into the future with more comfort and certainty. Quite the opposite actually transpired and that is how I find myself in the place I am in now. 

As the year progressed, it felt like chaos began to take hold of each moment and that every bit of control I had was stripped away. I desire to be deeply known and understood. I desire for those who hold my career and livelihood in their hands to value my intentions and motivations and appreciate the work that I do. With each step, it felt like all of the grueling hours of work and undying commitment had been whittled away to mean nothing. What I value so inherently had been minimized for the sake of numbers and scores and appearance. 

In light of feeling like my world was falling apart around me, I found life in what helped keep me afloat. Because of so many events in my past, I have kept people at an arms length, for fear that if I let them too close, they would just let me down. I have many faults of my own, I will not deny that, but I love people deeply and I expect the same in return. So many people in my past have manipulated and taken advantage of that love, which has left me with a lot of scars and a lack of trust. Throughout the trials of this year, there are a few people who have stuck it out and encouraged me every step of the way, despite my flaws and misgivings. They have seen the heart that I have for my students and my work and pushed me to continue to fight when I have not had the strength to on my own. They have even fought for me, at times to their own detriment, and seen my value when I have been blind to it. Those people know exactly who they are and I could not be more grateful for their love and support. There are not enough words in the world to express how I feel for them and what they have done for me. 

Additionally, this year I came to the end of an era, where my first group of sixth graders graduated from high school. I personally grew up with these kids, because I was a young and inexperienced teacher when I met them, and they taught me so much about myself. We ventured through some serious highs and lows together, and there were times with individuals, that we were at odds with each other. This was largely due to my high expectations for them and the choices that they were making that prevented them from meeting those expectations. In the past, I have had students graduate and leave, without us seeing eye to eye, but later realizing that I only had their best interests at heart. Throughout this year, I have had glimpses of all of the time and energy I have invested into individuals coming to fruition. Without these moments, I truly do not believe I would have made it. These now young adults, have paid me back a thousand times in return with their words of affirmation and encouragement and their appreciation for how I have contributed to their lives. For them, I am truly grateful. 

I am a woman of my convictions, and I value them above any approval, accolades or successes. When we were preparing to mount our school production of Big Fish the musical in the fall, we discussed the overarching them of the story and settled on the word legacy. At the end of my days, I have to evaluate my “connections, friendships, what matters and why.” I have to be proud of the decisions that I have made and what motivated them. I have to be able to get up again and again, after I have been knocked down. I have to be who I want to be and chase my dreams unapologetically and do the best with whatever time I have. I am not sure what the future holds for me, because I feel that I am at yet another crossroads, but I want to be certain that the small ripples that I create are intentional and represent the legacy that I want to create.

(After writing this, I signed into my blog and chuckled at my post from years ago. It's funny how things come full circle)

Looking out on the water

All of the dust settled and the chaos calmed. I stood in the parking lot of my school, after making a trip to the dumpster, as a part of the cleaning up process. I paused and I looked around at the field, the basketball court, the portables, and the building, which hours before had bustled with children. I felt as though I was frozen in a moment of time, as thousands of memories flooded my mind.

While some people live from January to December, my life operates from summer to summer. Two school years ago, when I began at my school, the transition was not easy. I had a really tough year, learning the ins and outs of my position and trying to fit into shoes that I did not feel in any way competent to fill. Every moment I felt as though I was not quite meeting the mark. At every turn, I realized a way in which I could have made a different decision that would yield a better result. It was a year of growth and self-discovery; It was difficult, but critical to my development.

Entering into this year, I have to admit that I was pretty scared. I knew the challenge that lay ahead of me, and I was not sure if I had the power to make it through to the end. I did what I could to prepare for a new year, and then I tip-toed to the edge of the water, not quite prepared to take the plunge. However, it's easiest just to jump in.

I knew that my dive would follow with a long, hard swim, and not just a couple of laps in the pool. So there, my journey began. From the ring of the first school bell, to the last goodbye, all I could do was keep taking strokes. The reality is, I never had any idea what it would feel like to look out on the water at the finish.

Now, I have the opportunity to look out on the water and I must share how each stroke contributed to the greatest journey of my life so far. Deep within my soul is a passion for youth that I have expressed in many ways throughout my life. My current position has given me the opportunity to express that passion in yet another way that I never imagined. I have the opportunity, every day, to speak life into young adults through a shared interest in the arts.

Here are a few snapshots that I see as I examine the water, because I do not think there are enough words or enough pages to really express everything that I feel.

When working with teenagers, you know you might make a ripple in the lives of one or two of them. However, there is no way to really anticipate the impact they will have on your life. It has been an incredible journey, filled with moments of long strokes, frantic paddling, and floating for rest. I would have never made it through it all without the support of my co-workers and the many students who brightened my day with a smile, a high-five, or a hug. 

To "my kids" (as I call them), I will always find joy in your many accomplishments. Every moment that I get to see you on stage is a proud moment, a brief reminder of the small impact I have made on your life. 

To MT, you have grown so much this year! You have taken on every dancing challenge I have placed before you and blown me away. Your energy and excitement are contagious. You have given me so much life!

To my dancers, you have faced so many challenges this year with strength and diligence. Just when you thought you could do no more, I would give you another piece of choreography to learn. You worked tirelessly and exceeded my expectations on every front. You are officially MY first team. You have given me all I could ever ask for!

I will remember every single one of you and how you have made a mark on my life. I love you all!!

So, now, as I look out on the water, I can only be grateful for everything that brought me to the shore. The view is beautiful and I would not have it any other way!

The past year and what is to come

Today is the first day of 2016. I don't think as a child that I could really comprehend that I would live in the year 2016. It seemed so far away and so unreal. Nevertheless, here we are. The past year has been a year of reconnection and waiting.

Just over a year ago, we returned to the US after living in China for two years. We came home with no plans at all and were uncertain of what was to come. We started some projects to help out my parents, which they desperately needed. I took a job at the dance studio to sub for teachers on maternity leave and Justin began trying to get everything up and running with his recording studio.

We got into a bit of a groove and got used to our normal. We started attending our church that we attended prior to leaving for China. However, we could not be as involved as we were, because it is far from where we live. We began reconnecting with family and old friends.

In the summer, I was done with my short-term commitment with the dance studio and ran two weeks of camp with my sister. Our friends returned from China and Justin got his business partner back. They got busy trying to build up their business and I started looking for a new job. I applied at a church as an administrative assistant, but I did not get the job. Then, I decided to look at nannying jobs in the area. After lots of back and forth with different families, I settled on a position with a family with a baby boy. I then accepted a job with the dance studio teaching a couple of classes and working at the desk.

Through all of this, Justin and I have been doing what we can to be fully functional on our own, without the help of our families. We had hoped to have a real idea of what we were doing and where we were going by the end of the year. We had hoped to be on our own and self-sufficient. However, God had different plans for us.

Justin and I like independence; we like not needing anyone. In China, we learned so much about needing the emotional, mental, and physical support of others through our church community. We would have NEVER made it there two years without it. However, coming home, we had different expectations. Everyone around us seemed to want us to have all the answers and to hit the ground running. It just did not pan out that way.

Our families have been so supportive and understanding. They have done so much for us and have given us time to learn and grow through the "repatriating experience." We look forward to the new year and what it holds for us. We know that God has us in his hands and that he has big plans for us! We look forward to what lies ahead.

Happy New Year from the Ures!!

Thankfulness

This time of year always makes me a bit nostalgic. November is the month Justin and I got married in, December has many memories of time with family and big decisions, an January has always been a time for new beginnings. The week of Thanksgiving, Justin and I got the privilege of spending time away together in Nashville and then got to share the place we spent our first anniversary with my family for Thanksgiving.

Although Thanksgiving has already passed, I just thought, after getting a chance to go through pictures, that I would like to share some things I am thankful for. It has been an interesting year for Justin and I. Exactly a year ago, we boarded a plane to fly back "home" after living in China for two years. It feels like an eternity ago while also feeling like not so long ago. I guess time is weird like that.

In the last year, we have been so blessed. I have been doing two jobs, nannying and working at a dance studio. It has been so great to be able to spend time doing something that feels like such a part of me like dance. Also, we have been blessed to live in my parents house. Despite its challenges, we have been able to help around the house with some tasks and have a roof over our head. On top of all that, we were so grateful to spend time away for our anniversary and then to spend Thanksgiving in the peace and tranquility of the mountains. Here are some photos of North Carolina and our cabin (which was just lovely)!

What we expected, and what we did not

Justin and I completed another renovation for my parents in June. The guest bathroom of the house was a bit out of sorts. The shower did not work, the hot water in the sink had to be shut off, and we (all five of us) were using the master bathroom everyday for almost everything. It was not an ideal situation for any of us.

We put together an estimate of the work for my parents of remodeling the bathroom. We had a range of just fixing things to a total overhaul. We ended up landing somewhere in the middle. We decided collectively to keep the old sink and toilet, which could easily be changed later, in order to deal with some other necessary and cosmetic issues.

We originally wrote up a plan of action to complete the project in 4-5 days, so that we would not be out of a toilet in the middle of the night for too long. We began with demolition, which just took a day and we were on our way pretty quickly.

The next part of the plan was to turn off the water in the middle of the day, so Justin could re-plumb the shower. That got done pretty quickly and he tested the water flow, which did not seem to be a problem. Then we moved on to hanging drywall and putting up Durock. In the second day, Justin made so much progress and we were ready to put up the last piece of drywall. 

As soon as he hung it, water started flowing from below it. We knew there was a problem. We found out that the pipes running to the sink were completely rusted out right at where they met the concrete. I remembered during demo that it was very grimy down there, but did not think much of it. Justin gave his best effort at trying to do the repair himself, but not being a plumber, put him at a disadvantage. We had to keep the water off when we could and my dad and Justin rigged something up to stop the water as much as possible when we had to have water on.

We called a plumber in and he came and showed Justin how to repair the pipe. He did one and then my mom and Justin went out and got the tools to finish the rest of the 4 pipes that needed repair. Our 4-5 day job, turned into three weeks quickly, because the time we had set aside to do the work had been eaten up by the unexpected. The rest of the bathroom had to be worked on and finished between work and other tasks that had to be completed. I had more time available than Justin, so I did what I could while he worked, but I am clearly not an expert at anything.

In the meantime, I was working out a cost-effective, but stylish, storage solution for the bathroom to help accommodate an over-extended budget due to our unexpected challenges. We removed this monstrosity of a baby blue cabinet from the bathroom. It was built in, but too large and impractical for a small space. I decided to use some wood from it, along with pallets, to create something new and fun. I had the idea, and Justin helped with the construction, but I did the majority of the tedious work.

I stripped what seemed like a billion layers of paint from the old wood for the shelves, then we built the exterior of the shelf from pallets. I then sanded the entire piece until I could rub my hands over it and not get splinters, which took an entire day. I used pre-stain to prep the wood, stained it with a "Classic Grey" color, and then coated it with polyurethane. In my slightly loopy state of mind, from all of the chemicals, I came up with the idea to make a towel rack, shelves, and a toilet paper roll holder from all the same materials. I even dug a wooden crate out of the garbage, in true "Nicole Curtis" style, that my mom was throwing away. It was A LOT of work, but I love the way it turned out in the end! My family may not have had a whole lot of faith in the process, but I think everyone is pleased with the result!

In with the old...

I have decided to start a new blog for a new phase of my life. It really is a way for me to share what is going on in this transition for Justin and I and what the future holds. I had a lot of thoughts while helping my parents organize their house and going through old stuff.

As you may or may not know, my Grandmother passed away while we were in China. I was not able to be home for her funeral and I was not a part of any of the process of saying goodbye. My family cleaned out her house, sold it, and divided up her things. My mom got a portion of them and they have been sort of in boxes since then.

I wanted to go through everything and help my mom to incorporate some items into her home as a way to honor her memory. It is strange to have her items in our home and to see them in a different place, but it is nice to be able to see them everyday and have nice memories of her. Below are some pictures of how we have incorporated these items into my parents home.

All of my Grandma's plates. Everyone would buy her one when they traveled.

Rearranging photos to update them and incorporate some older ones (I still have one to put up)

My sister and I (Old pictures, new matching frames)

Lots of family pictures of us growing up

A new shelf to showcase my Mom's trinkets and some from my Grandma

Repurposing my Mom's wicker shelf as a plant holder on our new porch

My Grandma's china cabinet with trinkets

New shelves for all of the movies my mom has and the records we got from my grandma

It has been a long but wonderful experience to make these items part of the family home. It has helped me to have more closer and to remember my Grandmother fondly.